


F*ck

by Thraesja



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Aliens Made Them Do It, Dubious Consent, F/M, Humor, Kid Fic, Pregnancy, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-04
Updated: 2014-07-04
Packaged: 2018-02-07 10:32:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1895826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thraesja/pseuds/Thraesja
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After taking refuge in an alien shrine, Sam and Daniel are in for a surprise. It’s enough to permanently ruin their vocabulary. Response to a long-dead-aliens-made-them-do-it challenge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	F*ck

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Amaranth Traces for her betaing awesomeness.

Fuck  
a) To have sexual intercourse  
b) To interfere, meddle, or disturb  
c) To take advantage of, betray, or cheat  
d) An interjection used to express displeasure or emphasis  
e) All of the above  
  


XXXXXXXX

  
  
“Fuck.”  
  
Sam turned from watching the gathering storm to stare at her uncharacteristically foul-mouthed friend. He was kneeling beside the rune-covered—no; he’d already corrected her twice—glyph-covered column that was holding up the ancient remains of the shrine where they were taking shelter. “What’s wrong?”  
  
“Huh?” Daniel blinked up at her in apparent confusion. “Oh. Uh, nothing. ‘Fuck’ seems to be the word I couldn’t figure out in the temple earlier.”  
  
Sam glanced across the moors they’d so recently travelled. “So the passage back there read ‘Should union fail to bear fruit, pilgrimage to the east and...fuck’?”  
  
He nodded. “It’s a little more poetic in the original Nahuatl, but yeah, basically.”  
  
“You’ve got to be kidding.”  
  
“I just translate them. I don’t make them up.” He pointed his thumb over his shoulder, indicating the back wall behind the altar. All along the top of it was a series of carved, stylized figures doing exactly what Daniel had translated in various and creative positions.  
  
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t they have already tried the fucking part if they wanted a union to ‘bear fruit’?” She tilted her head, trying to figure out the physics of a particularly intriguing coupling on the wall.  
  
“Yeah, you’d think. Maybe that’s why they died out.” He watched her puzzlement with obvious amusement for a moment before nodding his chin toward the image. “Try adding a third body to the equation.”  
  
Ah.  
  
Further explanation was interrupted by a clap of thunder that caused them both to jump.  
  
“Holy fuck!” she exclaimed.  
  
“Not Hannah?” Daniel asked.  
  
Smartass. “Seemed a little more appropriate, given the neighbourhood.”  
  
“You have a point.”  
  


XXXXXXXX

  
  
The skies opened up in earnest, pelting down hail and enough rain to drown an elephant. Every flash of lightning made the pornography around them appear ever more surreal. It was as if the carvings were glowing, and whenever there was a series of flashes, they actually seemed to move.  
  
Sam almost wished Teal’c and Colonel O’Neill were there, instead of exploring the cave system near the primary temple. Then she considered the Colonel’s inevitable running commentary about their creepily erotic surroundings and decided it was better this way.  
  
They were sitting on the altar. Daniel was reading the glyphs on the column and scribbling in his notebook, absently eating a Power Bar. Sam nibbled one of her own, counting the seconds between lightning and thunder for something to do besides looking at the artwork. From the varying results she was getting, the she decided the storm covered several square miles.  
  
Daniel squinted at his notes. “Huh.”  
  
“What?” Sam wasn’t all that interested, but having Daniel tell her about his translation was better for her frame of mind than pondering meteorology or long-dead threesomes.  
  
“Apparently, the barren couple would present themselves to the shrine during the rainy season. If they shared a meal atop Tlaloc’s altar, they might be blessed by the god and then be compelled to, uh, indulge.”  
  
“Huh,” Sam said, taking another bite of her bar. “How would Tlaloc bless them?”  
  
“Well, he was a god of fertility, water, rain, sustenance, and...” His voice trailed off.  
  
“What?”  
  
“And lightning.”  
  
They stared at each other for several seconds before they both scrambled to get off the altar.  
  
Too late. Another brilliant flash and a simultaneous clap of thunder shook the shrine. Sam could feel the charge dissipate through both the air and the stone of the altar. She knew she’d been lucky not to have been electrocuted.  
  
She turned to see if Daniel was injured and found he was already checking on her. His gaze turned to one of amusement as he reached over to touch the hair she knew was standing straight up all around her head.  
  
A second later, his fingers brushed her cheek, and suddenly Daniel’s look was more predatory than amused. Sam felt a bolt of desire course through her, stronger than anything she’d experienced since the Touched virus.  
  
A second after that, Sam found herself frantically exploring Daniel’s mouth with her tongue, while his fingers worked her tac vest open and hers were busy unbuttoning his fly.  
  
 _Oh, fuck_ , was the last coherent thought she had for awhile.  
  


XXXXXXXX

  
  
It wasn’t like Sam had never thought about this. True, she’d spent far more time imagining being with the Colonel, but a woman would have to be dead not to expend a fantasy or ten on the other two beautiful men of the team.  
  
She had to admit that having Daniel deep inside her while stranded in an alien temple had always been one of her favourites. And on the whole, the reality was turning out to be far hotter than the dream.  
  
“We shouldn’t be doing this.” Daniel’s voice was ragged from both emotional and physical effort.  
  
“No,” Sam agreed. The edge of the altar was digging into her back, emphasizing the strength of each of his thrusts.  
  
“I can’t seem to stop.” His lips caressed her ear with a hint of apology.  
  
“No,” she agreed again. She wrapped her legs around him, pulling him still closer.  
  
“Fuck,” he moaned into her neck.  
  
“Yes. Faster.”  
  


XXXXXXXX

  
  
Sam woke to an irate “What the hell?!”  
  
She had just enough time to raise her head from its position on a naked Daniel Jackson’s shoulder to register Teal’c and a slack-jawed Colonel O’Neill standing in the doorway to the shrine before Daniel was stammering and pulling his jacket across the floor to cover them. Well, to cover her. She was quite clearly already covering him.  
  
“Jack! It’s, uh, it’s not what you think. Well, it is, but it’s not like we meant to. Actually, we did at the time, but we weren’t thinking clearly. I mean, obviously there’s been an alien influence here. Otherwise, Sam and I would never have...” He trailed off as the Colonel’s expression morphed from shocked to murderous.  
  
Sam let her head thump back down onto Daniel’s bare shoulder. “Fuck.”  
  
“Indeed,” Teal’c said.  
  


XXXXXXXX

  
  
Three and a half weeks later, Sam stood in her bathroom, slowly watching a second pink line form on the stick in her hand.  
  
Fuck.  
  
She was going to kill him.  
  


XXXXXXXX

  
  
Sam watched with perverse amusement as the blood drained from Daniel’s face. His eyes darted back and forth between her and Janet. “Are you sure?”  
  
“I did a second urinalysis to confirm it,” Janet said.  
  
He groped behind him for a chair and plunked down into it. “I thought you were on...” His hand waved in a vague circle that Sam took to be a universal sign for ‘birth control’.  
  
“I was,” she said dryly. “But it would seem that Tlaloc has managed to bless one more ‘barren’ couple.”  
  
Daniel lowered his head into his hands. “Fuck.”  
  
“Yeah.” Janet patted his shoulder sympathetically. “That’s the usual culprit.”  
  


XXXXXXXX

  
  
“Quick and easy or slow and painful?”  
  
Sam looked up from the prototype on her bench at the sound of the Colonel’s voice. She had to stifle a sigh. She never thought she’d be wishing for men to be staring at her breasts rather than her belly. And she wasn’t even showing yet. “Pardon?”  
  
His gaze rose and he met her eyes. “How would you like me to kill Daniel?”  
  
Tempting. But even with their currently strained relationship, Sam couldn’t really condone murdering the father of her unborn child. “That won’t be necessary, sir.”  
  
He picked up one of the capacitors scattered around her work station and squinted at it. “You sure? ‘Cause I’m here for you.”  
  
“I’m sure. Though I appreciate the offer.”  
  
The Colonel nodded. “Remember you said that.” He put the device down and placed a hand on her shoulder. “Hammond is temporarily removing you from SG-1.”  
  
Sam turned back to the prototype and swallowed the tears that threatened to spill. There was no fucking way she was going to cry in front of her CO. She nodded instead. “I was expecting that, sir.”  
  
“Doesn’t make it any easier, though, does it?” He gave her shoulder a squeeze and mercifully left before she broke down.  
  
It certainly didn’t. As the tears overflowed, she realized she should have accepted the Colonel’s offer. Slow and painful was definitely the way to go.  
  
Maybe Teal’c would oblige.  
  


XXXXXXXX

  
  
Sam rested her head on the rim of the toilet seat, trying to determine if it was safe to flush and return to her lab. A query from a concerned lieutenant resolved her stomach’s fight with her head, tragically in her stomach’s favour. She retched up the dwindling remains of her breakfast.  
  
A few minutes and several rinses later, she stepped out into the corridor. Daniel was waiting for her.  
  
“You okay?” he asked.  
  
“I’ve been better.”  
  
“I bet.” He studied her for a moment before opening his arms up in invitation. She hesitated and then stepped into his hug. “You’re doing great.”  
  
She snorted. “I’m adapting.”  
  
She felt his smile against her hair. “Well, then you’re adapting great.”  
  
Well, fuck. It would be hard to continue hating him if he kept this up.  
  


XXXXXXXX

  
  
Sam stood by the gate room blast doors, watching as the chevrons lit up in preparation for her team embarking on yet another mission without her. She felt a hand slide over her now sizable baby bump and pursed her lips at Daniel. “I hate this.”  
  
He smiled sadly. “I know.”  
  
“I want to be out there with the three of you. I miss it.”  
  
He nodded. “I know that, too. Maybe once the baby arrives and you’re a bit settled I can take some time off and let you get back into the swing of SG-1.”  
  
She cocked an eyebrow at him. “Really?”  
  
“Really. Why don’t we go out for dinner when I get back and discuss it?”  
  
She tried to form a suitable reply, but the wormhole opened, and the Colonel was calling for Daniel to move his ass.  
  
“Make a reservation somewhere nice. My treat.” Daniel gave her belly one last caress and then headed up the ramp and across the galaxy.  
  
Sam’s eyes teared up at the sincerity and sweetness of his offer. She scrubbed at them in embarrassment when she caught General Hammond giving her a paternal smile. She fled to the privacy of her lab.  
  
Fucking pregnancy hormones.  
  


XXXXXXXX

  
  
This was not how the evening was supposed to end.  
  
Oh, sure. She was supposed to be tucked cosily under the covers of her nice soft bed, slowly digesting a very tasty and expensive meal that she hadn’t paid for. Which was exactly what she was doing.  
  
But Daniel was supposed to be in his own bed in his own house. Sleeping and digesting by himself. He wasn’t supposed to be pressed up behind her, slowly easing in and out of her while his talented fingers teased her tender nipples and clit.  
  
She had to admit she liked this better, though. Even if it was making an already fucked up situation even more complicated.  
  
“Sam,” Daniel murmured, licking his way up the side of her neck. “Stop thinking.”  
  
She could do that, she realized, as she turned her face into his kiss. Pregnancy hormones were good for something.  
  


XXXXXXXX

  
  
“Is it not customary for Tau’ri women to marry the one with whom they are procreating?” Teal’c asked over breakfast in the commissary one morning.  
  
Sam froze for a moment before calmly patting the Colonel’s back as he tried to clear the just-snorted coffee from his lungs. “Traditionally, yes, but it’s no longer considered necessary.”  
  
“I have read that it is improper to become an ‘unwed mother’, and that the child will be referred to by the term ‘bastard’. I have heard O’Neill use this word in a derogatory fashion on multiple occasions.”  
  
Sam fervently wished that Daniel would arrive so he could explain the issue to Teal’c, though it certainly was amusing to watch Colonel O’Neill’s spluttering attempts to do so. She eventually took pity on him and answered herself. “Being an unwed mother doesn’t carry the shame it once did, at least not in this part of the world. And while the term ‘bastard’ does technically apply to children of such mothers, it no longer carries that connotation in everyday speech.”  
  
“I see,” Teal’c said. “Yet are you not having continuing sexual relations with Daniel Jackson?”  
  
The Colonel narrowly avoided giving his lungs another dose of caffeine.  
  
Oh, just the conversation she’d always wanted to have. Suddenly, it seemed a very good thing that Daniel hadn’t yet joined them. “Uh, yes. We’re seeing where our relationship takes us.”  
  
“Going well, is it?” Colonel O’Neill asked. She couldn’t tell if his placid expression was sincere or not.  
  
“Actually, sir, it is.”  
  
“Then perhaps it may soon be time for ‘wedding bells’,” Teal’c said, before taking a large bite from his egg sandwich.  
  
“Hi, guys,” Daniel said brightly as he placed his breakfast tray across from hers. He sat down and blissfully reached for his coffee. “What’re we talking about?”  
  
 _Drop it_ , Sam silently pleaded with the others.  
  
She should have known better.  
  
The Colonel smirked at Daniel. “Carter here was just telling us about your sex life.”  
  
Teal’c’s thump to Daniel’s back seemed far stronger than the one she’d given the Colonel. Once his spluttering eased, Daniel gaped at them. “Wh—? She—? What?”  
  
It was too bad Teal’c didn’t drink coffee. Otherwise Sam might have been tempted to go for the hat trick. Then again, nothing short of fucking Daniel right there on the table was likely to result in Teal’c inhaling his beverage.  
  
Probably not worth the dishonourable discharge.  
  
As the conversation went from embarrassing to downright humiliating, Sam watched the shock and awe on the faces of the airmen and marines surrounding them and pondered how she could arrange to charge admission to these delightful little discussions.  
  
Junior would, after all, need a sizable college fund.  
  
Her Junior, of course. Teal’c’s could pay its own damn way.  
  


XXXXXXXX

  
  
“Why isn’t it working?” Sam hissed as yet another contraction tore through her. She pressed her thumb repeatedly on the self-medication pump. “What happened to the epidural?”  
  
The labour nurse patted her shoulder. “Nothing is wrong with the epidural. You’ve had the maximum quantity allowed for now.” Sam had been getting the same answer for a period of time somewhere between fifteen minutes and three hours.  
  
“Bullshit,” Sam panted in the brief respite granted to her. There was no way it was normal to go from barely feeling a tingle for hours while watching her contractions on the monitor to feeling like a Goa’uld was ripping through her abdomen in the blink of an eye. She tried explaining this to the nurse, but another contraction made its presence known, and she squeezed her eyes shut against the pain.  
  
When she opened them again it was to the patronizing expression of the nurse. “Women have differing pain tolerances.”  
  
A calming pressure on her other shoulder made Sam turn her head. She looked up into Daniel’s eyes and felt his support for her. “You’re doing so well.”  
  
“Daniel, please. Get it out. Make this stop and let me push and get it out!”  
  
He turned his gaze to the nurse, but not before Sam saw his eyes harden. “Check the drip.”  
  
“I assure you, sir. There’s nothing wrong with Miss Carter’s placement—”  
  
“And I assure you that if there was nothing wrong,  _Major_  Carter wouldn’t be pleading like this. Check the damn drip!”  
  
Another contraction hit, and when Sam could focus again she saw the nurse changing the epidural bag within the pump. The bag she removed looked remarkably empty.  
  
“Thank you.” Daniel sounded anything but grateful. His voice gentled and he smoothed a cool washcloth over Sam’s brow, washing away both sweat and tears. “It’ll kick in again soon.”  
  
“How soon?” Sam asked as soon as she was able.  
  
His eyes and voice were full of sympathy. “Maybe ten minutes. You’re almost done. Janet’s on her way back.”  
  
Sam moaned in a way she knew was pitiful. “Remind me again why we came here instead of going to the base?”  
  
“You wanted our baby born somewhere with sunlight.” He smiled softly.  
  
She snarled at her own stupidity and at the darkness outside. “Good thing it’s two o’clock in the fucking morning then.”  
  


XXXXXXXX

  
  
Never in her life had Sam seen anything as beautiful as her newborn son. She trailed a finger along a tiny yet perfectly formed replica of her ear, pausing for a moment and then doing the same to the miniature version of Daniel’s mouth. She traced over the nose that didn’t seem to belong to either of them, and across eyelids hiding irises she knew would remain blue.  
  
Perfect. He was perfect. And he was hers. Theirs.  
  
She leaned into the kiss that pressed to her temple. Daniel’s hand reached down and rested on his son’s stomach, almost engulfing the small, sleeping body. “Look what you made,” he whispered.  
  
She smiled. “No. Look what we made.”  
  


XXXXXXXX

  
  
This time when the chevrons were encoding it was Sam carrying a P-90 and Daniel carrying the baby.  
  
“Say bye-bye to Mommy, Robby” Daniel waved a chubby baby arm in Sam’s direction.  
  
Robby obeyed, his farewell sounding like something along the lines of “Glurrrraaghan”. He followed it up with a big toothless grin.  
  
Sam grinned back in return, pressing a kiss to a slightly drool-dampened cheek. “Bye-bye, Baby Boy. I’ll be back soon.” She leaned up and gave Daniel a kiss as well. “And bye-bye to Daddy, too.”  
  
“Remember. Plenty of photos of the walls and ceiling.”  
  
Sam rolled her eyes. “I got it.” She tickled Robby’s chin. “Your Daddy doesn’t trust me to bring back enough pictures of his precious runes.”  
  
“Glyphs,” Daniel corrected with a smile. “Have fun, Sam.”  
  
“Don’t worry. I will.”  
  
She turned around once more at the top of the ramp. Daniel was still waving Robby’s arm, and the baby let out a shriek of delight at the shimmering event horizon.  
  
She blinked back tears as she stepped through the wormhole, wondering how long she could blame post-partum hormones before she had to admit that motherhood had turned her into an emotional fucking train wreck.  
  


XXXXXXXX

  
  
Sam’s head whipped around as she hoped she’d misheard. “What?!”  
  
“That symbol,” Teal’c repeated, pointing a large index finger at one of the glyphs along the third row of the wall. “Adorned the foreheads of the Jaffa of Tlaloc.”  
  
Sam stared at the vaguely familiar style of the temple for a moment. Then she tossed her camera to the Colonel before slinging her pack over her shoulder and high-tailing it out of there without looking back.  
  
“Carter? Where do you think you’re going? Carter?”  
  
Any-fucking-where but there.


End file.
